Ass Hell's First Loss

So Ass Hell basically gave the game away to the Jets and the Old Man in the Football Mountain (burn!). Considering last year we were winning by 30,00 pts a game, anything less should be considered a loss for Ass Hell.

Also, he looks like a retarded Christian Bale.

Look, maybe you think I should take it easy on Ass Hell, but he is ruining a dynasty as we speak - I can literally see it with my eyes! I texted Coach today that exact thing this morning: Srsly AH is rng evryth! Gis-omg ur nipples r so fine howdoisend 2 diff txts?

Coach seemed pretty impressed with my insights and is apparently getting a new private number to keep our plans for Ass Hell top secretomundo.

Anyway back to Ass Hell looking like an ass. Take a look at this quote from the ESPN's, brah:

"At the end of the day, you've got to have more points than the other team and that's what we did, so I'm satisfied," Cassel said. "I didn't have too many butterflies going out. I've been in the system for four years, so I'm confident I know I can run it."

What a board-short load of wackness, amigos. First of all he hasn't been in any system for four years, because for two of them I made sure to teach him the wrong calls, signs, and hot routes. Hey, that's just my way of saying, "I hate your existence." As for butterflies, I once caught two of them when I was in a field shooting a Stetson ad. True story.

This was my favorite line from the game, courtesy of His Ass Helliness:

"Let's hope that a lot of quarterbacks do that throughout the rest of the year," Cassel said of Favre's interception.

Ummm Ass Hell? "Let's hope that a lot of quarterbacks do that throught the rest of the year" IS MY LINE. Just because I was pointing at your sister when I said it, doesn't mean it's yours to use for anything else.

Back the Ass-Hell Up.

Today marks another day where the NFL goes without the year before last's Super Bowl MVB(rady). I literally hear the silence in my ears.

So the Boston Globe attempts to distract itself from my absence with an article about the Ass-Master.

Not Cassel. At Southern Cal, he played behind Carson Palmer, a Heisman Trophy winner. When Palmer went off to the pros, Cassel was passed over in favor of Matt Leinart. Leinart also went on to win the Heisman.

I like this for two reasons. First, it starts out with the obvious: Not Cassel. I told Coach the same thing when I told him I could still play - even drawing up some plays where O-lineman carry me around like Byron Leftwich. Only I'd be good. The second gives me a chance to stop this in-sani-tation about Ass-Hell backing up two former Heisman winners. If you want to have a back-up-off then I say let's roll, because you can take your two Heisman winners and shove them right behind the knowledge of backing up THE Brian Greise in college!!! OOOHHH BRADY DONE HATED IN YOUR HATERADE!

I will say that Cassel's claim to backing up a 3 time Super Bowl winner would count for something... If the Super Bowl winner ever had a back up. But I don't. Never have. Tom Slim Shady operates Lobo Solo.

That reminds me of the time I let a rabid wolf free in Ass-Hell's basement. Welcome to the pack, Tater-NOT! Go Wolverines!

Note to Agent: Make a Commercial about that event. Rabies shots: priceless, Getting the bill to reimburse the town for cordoning off Ass Hell's House: $830 Police Detail Overtime: $1,600. Total package: Priceless minus whatever those other two add up to! KA-CHING!

I've Never Felt Better, Brah

Listen up Brahs and Brahsettes.

If you've ever had multiple ligaments in one knee ripped from the bone and torn into shreds, you know just as well as I do - it fucking rules. There is no feeling like the adrenaline rush that comes when you rip your insides apart in public. It's like having surgery performed without anesthesia but you get to wear a helmet. That is some serious thrill-sauce, amigos. And this is coming from a guy who's banged supermodels while dangling from a helicopter over a shark tank filled with -yup, you guessed it - more supermodels. Totally insane-in-the-alfresco.

I'm having a talk with my surgeons soon, because I want to explore the idea of not repairing my knee at all. How fly would it be if I could just plant my foot and pivot 360 degrees in the shade? It would be the super-est of flys.

But that process could take days if not 16 weeks + playoffs (Ha! like that will happen with Ass-Hell manning the ship). So for now, I guess everyone is stuck with Matt Ass-Hell at only the most-important-position-ever-in-the-history-of-sports-and-other-stuff. What a turd sandwich this kid is.

I like to think I gave him a chance. The first time we met I tried to treat him like a kid brother - when he was on the phone (probably texting his 'tween girlfriend or something) I asked him for his playbook and before he could respond I slapped him across the face with my spikes. AW SNAP! COUNT IT! Then I shat in his playbook and threw it in the puddle of blood dripping from his face. Coach Belicheck and I had a laugh about that together because you only get one copy of the playbook no matter what! He's all "What the fuck, Tom!?" and I'm all, " I know totally! What the fuck is up with that brah-tot!?"

Anyway. Good Luck Ass-Hell. Good luck RIGHT IN YOUR EAR! AAAAHHH BRADY DONE WRONGED YOU IN THE CORNPIPE!

Fast Fact: New Endorsement deals coming at me like supa-dupa-models. Holler!