I've Never Felt Better, Brah

Listen up Brahs and Brahsettes.

If you've ever had multiple ligaments in one knee ripped from the bone and torn into shreds, you know just as well as I do - it fucking rules. There is no feeling like the adrenaline rush that comes when you rip your insides apart in public. It's like having surgery performed without anesthesia but you get to wear a helmet. That is some serious thrill-sauce, amigos. And this is coming from a guy who's banged supermodels while dangling from a helicopter over a shark tank filled with -yup, you guessed it - more supermodels. Totally insane-in-the-alfresco.

I'm having a talk with my surgeons soon, because I want to explore the idea of not repairing my knee at all. How fly would it be if I could just plant my foot and pivot 360 degrees in the shade? It would be the super-est of flys.

But that process could take days if not 16 weeks + playoffs (Ha! like that will happen with Ass-Hell manning the ship). So for now, I guess everyone is stuck with Matt Ass-Hell at only the most-important-position-ever-in-the-history-of-sports-and-other-stuff. What a turd sandwich this kid is.

I like to think I gave him a chance. The first time we met I tried to treat him like a kid brother - when he was on the phone (probably texting his 'tween girlfriend or something) I asked him for his playbook and before he could respond I slapped him across the face with my spikes. AW SNAP! COUNT IT! Then I shat in his playbook and threw it in the puddle of blood dripping from his face. Coach Belicheck and I had a laugh about that together because you only get one copy of the playbook no matter what! He's all "What the fuck, Tom!?" and I'm all, " I know totally! What the fuck is up with that brah-tot!?"

Anyway. Good Luck Ass-Hell. Good luck RIGHT IN YOUR EAR! AAAAHHH BRADY DONE WRONGED YOU IN THE CORNPIPE!

Fast Fact: New Endorsement deals coming at me like supa-dupa-models. Holler!